.:No Doesn't Mean Never...:.

I found a saying once, on a blog of one of my favorite actresses, Candice Accola. The quote was this, "No doesn't mean never, it just means not yet." 

This last Friday I participated in the Idaho State Drama competition in the category of Solo Serious. I made it further than I have before, and qualified up to the Semi-Finals. While this is a great achievement, I was somewhat saddened by my so called "success". I was disheartened, being the harsh self critic that I am, and was put into a bit of a hopeless mood. I felt like I failure, because I didn't meet my expectations, which would've been making it to the finals round. As a made the drive home, along side my mom, I began to spiral down caught in a frenzy of all my "failures"... 

As I continued to drive down the road that seemed to be never ending, the quote above came to my mind. This immediately improved my mood, and I realized, for the first time, the truth in this statement. And while I may never be able to compete again in this high school competition, I will have many other opportunities to pursue my talents. 

In this world it is necessary to taste failure before we can partake of true success. Though with that said, I've realized that we determine our own success and failure. At the end of the day I reflected on my talent and effort that I put into this competition and made the conscious decision to make this competition, in the never ending rows of my brains library, a success. While I may not have "won" I did perform to the best of my abilities, and no matter what anyone thought, in my own minds judgement I performed to the tee of all 10:1 perfects. 

"No doesn't mean never, it just means not yet."

.:Jen D. Ganzert:.

Jennifer, you are such a beautiful person. You definitely were the perfect candidate for the Sunshine award in choir, every time you walk into a room you are beaming with joy, and you can see the bliss radiating around you. You bring soo much happiness to everyone you meet. I can't believe I didn't get to know you until second trimester, but I am so grateful that I did. We have shared some pretty great memories together: Ice skating, rocking out in my car, roller skating/blading, Harry Potter, Paramore, wigs (at the mall, Panda Express, school), Gator Jacks, the hospital, letting you drive my car... oh how the list could go on! 

I've never seen such an optimistic spirit, you are such an inspiration to me.

Thank you for allowing me to be sorted into my proper Hogwarts category of Raven Claw, thank you for introducing me to some amazing new bands i.e. "We are the In Crowd", thank you for feeding me Brazilian food (mostly sweets), but most of all thank you for being one of the best friends a person could ask for. 

This isn't Good-bye, it's see you later! :D

2014 I will be in Brazil.

Whoo! The Worldcup... but mostly I want to go to visit you! 

Stay just the way you are and continue to follow your bliss. 

<3  

Mad Hatter: "Have I gone mad?"

Alice Kingsley: "I'm afraid so. But let me tell you a secret, all the best people are."

.:This Is Actually Happening:.

Let me start by saying I have never been so excited for anything in my life! I am nearly a month away from visiting one of my best friends in the whole wide world!!! I've known for over five months that I would be traveling with her but the reality hadn't set in... until now. I cannot even find the words to describe how excited I am. My one desire in life is to travel. Last year I got to spend the summer in California and I was soo grateful for that. This year I get to travel to Thailand and China and I am beyond grateful! Slightly scared... but definitely grateful. Just this last week I re-read one of my most loved books ever, "The Noticer" and it reminded me that we all have at least one thing to be grateful for and in the book it says, "What you focus upon increases". This is so true. Therefore the more we focus on what we are grateful for the more things to be grateful for will come into our lives. For example, I used to dwell and pity on how my family isn't rich and therefore I believed that I would never get the opportunity to travel. Then I read this book and began to wake up every morning and say all the things I was grateful for. Among those things was the fact that my family had a car, and with that car we could at least travel to some places (even if that didn't mean vacationing in Rome). As I began to believe in possibilities of things I began to have multiple opportunities come to me. For example: being invited to participate in the Miss Teen of America Pageant, spend the summer as a nanny in California, go to Wanderlust (a huge summer festival up in the mountains), and meet some amazing foreign exchange students (Taylor B. Jen G., and Judith T.) And along with having the opportunity to become great friends with these people was the opportunity to travel. And all this amazing stuff happened not too long after I decided to live with an "Attitude of Gratitude" 

So please excuse my jumbled thoughts, but I had to release my energy somewhere, and I haven't written in a while, therefore this seemed to be the perfect place to splatter my electric mind. 

.:May the 4th:.

May the 4th be with you...

What an eventful day... Yes it was "Star Wars Day" but it was also the day that Rigby High School (my high school) was evacuated due to a bomb threat. I also went to the Riot Zone (they were having a discount V.I.P. deal) and it's also the day that I was apparently Wendy (yeah, that red head from the fast food chain Wendy's).

Bomb Threat:

I have an outside perspective of the situation. So I was driving to the high school, on my way to fourth hour, (I don't have a third hour)... anyway as I parked and stepped out of my vehicle a police man with a heavy duty gun instructed me to remain in my car. I was confused to say the least... So as I sat in my car waiting in anticipation to find out what was going on, I saw a line of army men with guns run around the school, an ambulance and multiple cop cars pull into the parking lot, and within seconds after that kids started running out from their classrooms onto buses. I was now getting nervous. As more and more kids evacuated the building and more and more buses left the school I began to wonder if I should leave too. So I stepped out of my vehicle to ask the police man for further instruction and he said, "Mam, I advise that you leave right now and get a reasonable distance from the school." Yes, I know realized this wasn't just a drill. Being super curious as to what was going on I followed one of the buses, it led me to the Jr.High. As I sat there my mind began to wander to possibilities of the situation... Questions that crossed my mind: What if there are people being shot in the school? What if my brother has been hurt? What if my friends or any of my peers have been harmed? I was starting to feel sick. Luckily not too long after this wave of panicked questions fluttered through my mind my brother and friends texted me, letting me know that everyone was ok and that there had been no live violence at the school. In the end it was just a threat but still very concerning and serious. However; no one was harmed and no weapons were found at the school. After the bomb scare, I proceeded to carry on with my normal plans for the day and go to the Riot Zone with: Raquel, Erika, Jen, and Jessica.

Here is part of the story online:

http://www.idahostatejournal.com/news/local/article_65037a04-964a-11e1-8f0a-0019bb2963f4.html

Riot Zone. 

Regardless of the previous events of the day we all were able to have fun at the Riot Zone. While we were there we ended up forming a group with: Zach, Dillon, Josh, and Denum. <--(I'm not sure how to spell his name haha.)Some things that happened: Raquel and I interpretive dancing, getting competitive with annoying little kids on the bumper cars, splitting up over affectionate couples on the bumper boats, and getting caught in the rain and wind. Overall it was pretty fun but being human we had to leave and get food. So what better place than Wendy's!

Wendy's.

So apparently while I was up ordering an older man locked eyes with Zach (from outside) and proceeded to walk in and right up to Zach and say "I come to Wendy's all the time, like everyday, but I've never seen Wendy... until today!" and he then pointed at me! Haha. Once we got our food and sat down Josh and Zach told me what had happened. I also happened to get a free large Rootbeer, over hear a story about a little girl peeing in her car seat, and then when the old man was leaving he was like, "Hey, Wendy! The food and service tonight was great as always. You should come in more often, bye Wendy!" haha and in between those phrases I was just saying things like, "Hello. Thank You." and "Make sure to come again!" Then as we were running outside to get in our cars and go back to the Riot Zone Jessica ran and nearly jumped into a guys car (she thought his car was mine) but stopped after she had opened his door and saw it was a big older guy and there was beer in the backseat. It was so hilarious. 

From there we went back to the Riot Zone for about an hour and then everyone went home, except for Josh stayed at me and Zach's house for a while, but then he too went home.

Good Times ^_^

...

.:Undesirable:.

I'm not one to throw pity parties however, I am human... 

Therefore, I do need to vent every once in a while.

This might sound very cliche` but I feel as if I am always the odd one out, and not in a good unique way.

Even surrounded in a crowd of familiar faces, I feel detached.

I feel nearly invisible.

Yet I'm clearly solid and made of flesh. 

I feel close to isolated.

Yet I'm obviously not alone on this Earth.

I feel ugly.

Yet I have a belief that every one has beauty.

I sometimes dread waking up, because I know that when I do it will lead to another day of emptiness. 

Don't get me wrong, I am happy and I appreciate life, I just always feel like there is something missing...

Regardless of what others say, I feel like no one understands.

I feel like I am a throw away kid sometimes...

I feel like the sooner I leave this place the better.

I feel like a locked door whose key lies on the inside.

I don't want to be recycled, but I feel as though it would be easy for others to throw me in the bin...

I feel like I need to escape. 

I feel that though this may not be the place for me, there is a place for me... and maybe these people can't fully understand me, but somewhere there is someone who does... 

My soul needs to travel and explore.

I am an outsider.

But with all that said it seems to be that...

"In order to be irreplaceable one must always be different."

-Coco Chanel

And no one person is just like another.

...

.:Facebook Cleanse:.

I am going on a Facebook cleanse. 

I will see how long I can go without getting on Facebook; however, my goal is to not sign on until the last day of school...

Social Networking sites definitely have their benefits, but likewise they also have their faults. They can be draining, addicting, and mind numbing. 

And to be quite frank, my mind needs a break.

I'm going into a non-social networking coma. 

(Besides my blog, but I don't really consider this a social networking site.)

This sun is setting but it will rise again.

So Goodnight my fellow facebookers/twitterers/and whatever else...

.:Skies from a Different Perspective:.

Travel

I have come to the conclusion that the best way to find out who you really are is to travel. 

I have been to quite a couple different places; however, it has always been with the accompaniment of my family. Not to say that is a bad thing, I just think when you do go out and find yourself it should be for yourself and without those who have guided you your whole life. Part of the real experience of travel is to discover things for yourself. I am still at the age where I don't have much opportunity to travel completely alone, but in this summer of 2012, I will be taking a huge leap and traveling to Thailand and Beijing. I have only flown on an airplane twice in my life, and both times I was with people I knew well and the trip was no longer than three hours, so that being the case, I am quite nervous to be traveling such far distances alone. But that is part of the experience. I hopefully will be able to blog while I am away. I want to document everyone and everything I meet. 

"To be on a quest is nothing more or less than to become an asker of questions." - Sam Keen

.:Failure:.

[]Failure[]

We can't expect not to fail.

Failure is part of life, part of learning, and part of making new discoveries.
In order to learn we must fail.
But most importantly, in order to fail we must try.

And in the end it is those who can accept failure, try without losing faith, and endure til the end... Yes, those are the people who come out on top of the world.

Failure when handled the right way leaves us that much more determined, brave, and strong.
Let failure motivate, as opposed to deteriorate. 

.:Tapioca Pudding:.

Nom. Nom. Nom.

Today is slightly over cast, and a bit brisk (or perhaps a bit more crisp rather than brisk) anyway... It is 12:17 and i'm eating delicious Tapioca Pudding... Yep that's right the stuff you thought was fish eggs when you were a youngin'. 

Mmm... Now doesn't that look delicious? 

.:Jessa Rayne:.

Beautiful. Pure. Amazing. Perfect.

Life is so beautiful, especially the innocence of a new born infant.

Jessa Rayne.

She was born at the magical time of 3:33PM. 

A gift to everyone who will have the opportunity to have her in their lives. She has a gorgeous head of blonde hair and (it is too soon to tell) but i'm sure she will have stunning blue eyes just like her parents.

It's beyond exciting having her new precious soul on this Earth.

There isn't words to describe the beauty of this little girl (and the beauty in any new soul for that matter)

It reminded me of the saying "Ignorance is Bliss."
She truly is a miracle. 

<3 Your Aunt Samii. 

   

.:Sewage in My Head:.

Do you ever have those days when you are really unhappy? And it's usually for no apparent reason at all...

Yeah, I've had one of those days and I hate it. I hate it mostly because I know that when I am upset I am making a conscious decision to feel that way. I mean I think it is alright to be in a state of emotion other than being happy, every now and again... but like I've heard from various people, numerous times before, "Cry for five minutes and then get on with life." Or in other words life is too precious to waste on times of self pity. 

We just have to realize that no one is perfect. We all make mistakes. We all have things we don't always want to accept about ourselves. And there is always room for improvement. 

Which brings me to my last point: Have the ability to recognize, cope, and if possible correct your flaws. That being said, don't judge others when really the only person you have the right to judge is yourself... unless you're perfect... which I'm sure you're not. 

But to end on a lighter note, just remember to...

"Follow Your Bliss."

.:Life:.

Life is so fragile. 

This year has really made this statement true for me. 
Not through experience I've had personally, but through the trials my loved ones have gone through this year.
It started with the death of my Uncle, soon after that my Great Uncle scared us by having a stroke and being held at the hospital in critical condition. Days after he was committed, my Great Aunt was taken to the hospital... His wife, my Great Aunt (who they thought would live over him) died. Now just this morning my Grandma has fallen victim to stroke... 

Don't regret the life you live.
Life comes as quick as it goes...

.:Over a Mountain:.

It's great to escape, 

even for just a week.

I really enjoy the solitude of Stevensville, Montana. 

It's a beautiful little place away from anything mainstream. 

I think everyone deserves the opportunity to escape from their life, every now and again. Sometimes to move forward, we have to first take a step out of our reality. 

Divided by a mountain, 5 1/2 hours away, is a place where I go nearly every other weekend, my 2nd home. 

.:Human:.

It is 11:32PM 

My thoughts have begun to open now that winter is finally passing. I always seem to somewhat shut down, during the coldest part of the year. But now, that I have begun to start thinking in depth again, I can't stop which makes it hard to focus. Something about the warm weather is inspiring. That's why I like fall the best, it has a nice balance about it. Anyway...

Tonight I've just taken some time to reflect the events of recent in my life:

-Life

-Death

-Success

-Failure

But it has helped me to realize that for everything bad, there is always something good. Sometimes I lose motivation, I give up, I get tired of trying... However, the thought that what seem's to be soo horrible never really stays for too long keeps me inspired to make the most out of life. 

I can't explain why things happen or even begin to understand the purpose of some events that have occurred in my life. Although I am sure of one thing and that is that there is reason behind everything. Nothing happens for the sake of just happening, and even though we may not realize it at the time, there is a bigger picture being painted. 

So as they say when the world give you lemons make lemonade, or perhaps you can make grape juice, apple juice even. What I'm trying to say is that despite the fact that things may happen around us that we are not fond of we have a choice to make what we want out of every situation we are put in. 

As you wake up each morning make a choice, the right choice, the choice to accept life, the choice to be happy, the choice to know that tomorrow is another day, and the choice of recognizing that we are all human.

.:3rd Hour:.

This trimester I do not have a 3rd hour. Therefore, I figure I may as well make myself useful and write while I have the time. 

Anyway, I have come to the conclusion that a closed mind is a closed heart. An odd notion maybe, but quite true. I've realized that of all the people I've met, it has been the ones who were accepting and open minded that were the happiest and the kindest of the souls. Therefore it has come to be that I will strive to live with an open mind (I do believe I have done a pretty good job so far). 

Free Mind = Open Heart

And with that I am off. Off to discover more things, places, and people. 

.:Wisdom Teeth:.

Yesterday. 

5:00PM.

I entered the Dentist's office. 

There I sat with a numb mouth.

I heard horrible noises, and I felt a terrible pinching in my two bottom Wisdom Teeth. The numbing substance made me shake, and I became very cold. As I lay there in anticipation of when the horror would be over, there were several times where I was inclined to reach up and grab the dental assistance arm (the inclination to do this was due to the spiking pain I felt at random in my bottom teeth). 

6:00PM.

My mom walked in, and without even the knowledge that my top two Wisdom Teeth had been removed, I was done. Before leaving the Dentist's office they informed me that they had nicked a bone on the lower right hand side of my jaw and that the swelling on that side would be quite greater than the other side. As I returned upon my home, I began to cry from the frustrations of a swollen mouth. However, I was comforted when I slipped into a warm bath and remembered that this pain wouldn't last forever. 

Later that Night.

As my mom gave me my pain pills and retired to bed, I began to watch "Breakfast at Tiffany's". Just when I was somewhat comfortable and I thought the horror was over, I began to feel uneasy and nauseated. I tried to sip water and I had some yogurt, but despite my efforts, the nausea only began to increase. I spent all of last night and early this morning in and out of consciousness and attempting to puke in hopes that I would be relieved of this poisonous feeling. 

As of now...

I am in severe pain, for I am scared to take my pain meds. For every time I seem to try and attempt to take pain pills of any sort I become quite ill. And the sickness that I am tainted with after taking the pill(s) is much worse than just pushing through the soreness of my swollen jaw. I lay here in my bed, quite puffed up and pale, in hopes that full recovery is not to long away. 

In the sense of recovery:

"There's no elevator, you have to take the steps."

.:Kombucha Juice:.

Last Night.

I went to the store and bought some Kombucha Juice. 

This Morning.

I drank some Kombucha Juice.

2 Minutes Later.

I decided Kombucha Juice, despite its health benefits, is quite fowl tasting.

Sorry blog, and sorry to myself, and sorry to anyone who enjoys reading my blog. I haven't posted recently. But don't worry I plan on writing a lengthy piece tonight when I return from school and other mandatory activities. 

.:Seasons:.

As I woke up this morning I looked outside only to see the snow was gone... This year of seasons have been weird. Anyway while thinking of the seasons I stumbled upon one of my old poems:


Seasons
Slowly summer is in transition, but spring still lingers, hanging like evil men in dead air. Looking for a place to start its' infection of color; while we wait in pale grey and cold winter rains.


Feeling no warmth from a sun that still slumbers in his plush comforter of clouds. Meanwhile we wait in our chambers filled with artificial light. Dozing off to better places, yet too eager to stay long in a dream...


And it reminded me, as the seasons change with waves of unknown weather, we change in motions only know to ourselves as well. 

.:Oh it's inevitable:.

.:Change:.

I've learned that change is inevitable. Whether you like it or not, everyone and everything will change with time. But the only change we have control over is the change over ourselves. I always let myself get caught up in the choices that others have made. Thinking somehow it was my fault or that I could have done something to change their minds, but I now know it was their choice all along. We can try to guide the direction of someone else's decisions but in the end they are the ones who must choose for themselves. We don't have control over events that sometimes effect our lives either, but what matters is how we react to those life changing moments.

"I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul." 

- William E. Henley

:.Individuals:.

Individual. 

Cold. The word in which describes my room at the moment. 

Red. The color of my feet.

Soft. The adjective that may be used to describe the skin on my hands.

Curious. The state my brain is in. 

We are all individuals. We all use different words to describe the various things in our vastly different lives. You can wish for as long as you want to be someone else, but in the end you will be none other than who you are. So instead of envying the life of someone else, instead of dreaming of the life you want, instead of pretending that you know it all... Go out and make something of yourself. Go searching so that you can know it all. Dwelling on the thoughts of things not yet accomplished is a mere waste of time. It's when you turn those thoughts to actions that you are making something of your life. If you feel like the background on a canvas, then go paint a new picture where you are the center of the masterpiece. Don't let life slip through your fingers. Make each moment count. (Cliche, but true) Be inspired, recognize the beauty that surrounds you each day, take the chance to travel. Don't be the clay, be the artist. Go find yourself. Dare to explore. 

Be an individual. 

Happy. The attitude I choose on a daily basis.

Open-Mind. Is the mind I have.

Travel. It's what I do whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Fearless. The way we should all live our lives.

.:Taylor Jay:.

.:Taylor Jay:.

This year I've become someone in which I never expected to see myself become. Before you came I was shy, reserved, and didn't have very much self belief. When you made it into the play, and we became friends my eyes were opened. Because you are so beautiful I was able to see the beauty in myself. Your kindness, allowed me to not be afraid of opening up to people. Your courage made me brave. Anyone who knows you and has had the opportunity to have you in their lives are very lucky people. You are an amazing, selfless, honest, smart, wonderful human being. I will never take our friendship for granted, you have helped me to see who I really am. All night adventures, random phone calls, driving around just because we needed to escape, sob sessions and venting, Sleeping Beauty, haunted houses, playing in the park, sitting on roofs, running through graveyards and from the cops, all our "would you rather questions", watching Gossip Girl, making webcam videos, and spamming up peoples walls on Facebook, I will never forget you and you are honestly irreplaceable. I hope you know how much you mean to me, and that you are more than a best friend, you are family. I will always be here for you no matter what i'm doing or where i may be in the world. I cannot wait for Thailand, and hopefully many more adventures to come. Taylor Jay Bevan, from Australia. Who ever knew my best friend was half way across the world this whole time, you coming to America was a monumental decision, and not only has it changed your life but everyone's life in whom you have befriended. Never let anyone change you, because you are perfect the way you are. 

Peace Tea and Cheesy Dip with Dorritos, I will always love you!

-Samii aka Sleeping Beauty aka Caramel <3